VOWS: Please, Help Yourself to my Haterade
Sometimes I read the Vows section of the New York Times to remind myself that I actually do have half a chance of finding someone who can complete my douchebaggery, possibly without ever even having to look abroad. Also, it freaks me out that people my age (perpetually 29) think they’re mature enough to be committing to anything for life. My last boyfriend had almost as many ex-girlfriends as Star Wars action figures (or vice versa, I’m not really sure). I have the same fear of ending up alone as any woman featured in a classic (read: terrible) romantic comedy, but these really do make me feel better in that I CANNOT BRING CHILDREN INTO A WORLD WHERE THIS IS TAKEN SERIOUSLY IN THE NEWSPAPER OF RECORD.
Obviously, the goods on display at this sidewalk haterade stand indicate that I’m all kinds of jealous because I want to be in the Vows section myself. Yeah, I do. I am planning ALL KINDS of ridiculous one-upping shit at my wedding, including an animal procession to include a tiger, elephant and camel (whatever, St. John the Divine does it every year. F*ck a flower girl!) and maybe an air show. I’ll hold a contest for ideas when the time is right.
This weekend’s couples were actually kind of boring. (There’s really only one king of the Vows stories that makes me see red in the style of Bluto and shows everything wrong with America, and I’m saving it for another post.) But despite the lack of anything super-juicy into which I can sink my fangs of derision, let’s start it off, shall we?
Dasha Libin and Dan Anderson.
A couple finds happiness by fighting it out in the martial arts arena. <— on the Vows homepage, they have these little recaplets, which I will include because they really do sum it up nicely.
This one I thought I’d like at first, because she’s a Soviet “émigré” (just… not necessary) and he’s a HAPA from Arkansas. (…I’m sorry, he’s the HAPA from Arkansas. Kudos to him on escaping Arkansas.) Plus when they met, she’d been practicing martial arts for 14 years! What a badass!
- …Buuuuuut, essentially, she’s dating her teacher—not in a cool way, like that time I dated my kickboxing instructor—and she quit her court reporting job to go to work for him. That’s going all-in in a way that I just can’t get behind. She even says: “He is always going to be my teacher. I will never supersede him. He’s that good. I’m used to ‘Yes, Sifu. Yes, sir.’” Uh, what? (In contrast, I spent most of the time refusing to do prisoner push-ups and snarling at other girls in class who were tryna flirt. I’m great at parties!)
- Then, “With a wink, she added, “And then when I walk off, I’m like, ‘Babe, did you walk the dogs?’” Oh! Girl! Way to demonstrate your feminine power! You are a treasure of the women’s movement. We’re so lucky!
- “Instead of flowers, the centerpieces were Siamese fighting fish in bowls. The cake consisted of a black boxing glove clutching roses of spun sugar.” No comment, really, I’d be happy with those. (Full disclosure? I’m afraid of Dasha. But in a good way.)
Michelle Bossy and Douglas Coon.
The couple met on a Halloween night when the bride went barhopping with a friend.
Oh man, according to the above, this one is gonna be class-AY.
- First of all, her name is Michelle Bossy. That is fantastic. They note in the article that she will not be changing it. Excellent! “Michelle Bossy, of the Las Vegas Bossys?” Yes. She’s a Las Vegas Bossy! Amazing.
- His name, as you see, is Doug Coon. He is not changing his name, either. Does this seem like a missed opportunity? I would marry her to get the name Bossy. Katie Bossy. Mrs. Compa-Bossy. Katherine A. Bossy-Compa? Any way you slice it, it sounds great. I have to go practice my signature now.
- They met bar-hopping on Halloween. (I’ve met guys on Halloween, too. They were dressed up as viable options.) Then they met again at a New Year’s party (another night known for stellar decision-making). “‘I technically had a girlfriend, but was interested in her,’ said Mr. Coon.” Good sign! And then, hang on, this happens:
- “As far as Ms. Bossy was concerned, romance was not an option, since she dated only guys in the theater business. ‘I always thought I was going to end up with an artist, someone in the theater business,’ she said. ‘I never saw the value of dating what we call in our business a “civilian.”’” (Italics mine, fucking obviously.)
- When did she discover that NON-actors were viable? (They are the ONLY viable.) Not until she agreed to go out with her future hubs, “Doug” “Coon.”
- “‘In that moment,’” (IN THAT MOMENT? THAT was the FIRST MOMENT?) “‘I understood you didn’t have to be a theater person,’” (OXYMORON) ” Ms. Bossy said of her newfound openness. ‘You could be a lawyer, which is what Doug is,’” (THANKS FOR REMINDING US, AND CONGRATULATIONS ON NEVER WORKING AGAIN) “‘and still be a really interesting, enigmatic, attractive guy.’” YEAH. WE KNOW. Signed, Girls who are not ASSHATS.
Congrats, Bossy-Coons! All the best on spending the rest of your lives together! You deserve it!
Erin Carney and Sean Berry.
The bride works in investment management; the bridegroom is a lawyer.
(Check it out! Another interesting, enigmatic, attractive guy who’s not an actor! What are the chances?!)
I’ll admit, I go a little easier on the couples that wait to get married and aren’t all, “the bride’s FATHER is a Senior Mucketymuck at Mucketymuck, Muck and Mucker, LLC., and her mother is a retired schoolteacher.” If you are doing something, great. These two have jobs. Best of luck, Erin & Sean.
Starr Koslow and Michael Mautner.
The bride, a doctor, and the bridegroom, a financial analyst, were married in Florida.
- “The bride, 28, is a fourth-year resident in general surgery at NewYork-Presbyterian/Weill Cornell hospital. She is also completing a research fellowship at Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center in breast surgical oncology.” What?! This woman has done more in one day than I have in four years. Her name is Starr, but… that is also kind of cool, says twelve-year-old Katie Compa from beyond the middle-school and Baby-Sitters’ Club grave. DAMMIT.
- He does something financial blah blah with clothing brands like Yaaawwwwwwnautica. His dad was a letter carrier for the U.S. Postal Service. Awesome! We thank you for your service.
Charlotte Grassi and Brooks Aukamp.
The bride is an interior designer; the bridegroom is a digital media sales manager. (And a passable stand-in for Niles Crane.)
- The bride’s parents’ names are Eleuthera and Temple. If I ever have two pets of any kind, I’m definitely naming them Eleuthera and Temple.
Elizabeth Chalmers and Marco Castaneda.
The bride is a board director for a hospital volunteer-services council; the bridegroom is a project manager for a civil engineering firm.
Okay, Times, you win this round. That blurb says it all. I wish them every happiness. (They seem to be great people! i.e. super boring!)
